Four years, eight months and ten days. Fuck, man. That is a long fucking time.
I really wanted to move to Austin. I still kind of do. Part of me says "You fucking idiot, why the bloody fuck are you still here?"
The other part of me that has been pushing against that first part this entire time says, "Fuck off, I'll do what I want."
Really, when it comes down to it I am still here because I choose to be. I choose to be because I want to be, not because someone else tells me to be. I can whine about the weather and blame my misery over the fact that I am still living with it on other people, but really I am pissed because I never learned to enjoy or appreciate winter. I don't really see that happening either. No seriously. Fuck you winter, I will never make room in my heart for you.
I want to be here because if I leave, I am only running away. I have no reason to do this. I did not build something to run away from it.
The "it" in this scenario is a band. A great band. Probably the greatest thing I have done with my life. No, it just straight up is the best fucking thing I have done with myself. Guess how long I've been in it? You're a smart kid, I'm sure if you look back you can figure that one out.... done? Okay now, guess how many instances of smashing success I have seen in that time? Did you guess none? Fuck you, you're right.
I have had it pointed out to me that many bridges I have burned with people I had previously held close relationships with were directly related to this band. This may be true. I have made a lot of sacrifices to be where I am now. By that I don't mean "I'm the shit, I am at an amazing point in my life because I worked hard, and you can be TOO!" I really don't, because I still wait tables and make very little money, none of which is currently pulled from my music career. In fact, those whom I have disconnected myself from, from what I understand, are all doing very well for themselves. My ex-boyfriend whom I worked with at TGI Friday's is about to get his degree in mechanical engineering, and my ex-best friend of 13 years just bought her first home with her boyfriend and is studying criminal law(or something cool and ballsy like that) at Metro State. Good for them. I made a brief attempt to go back to school and dropped out after a semester. I'm okay with that. The band took priority. No regrets. At least not there. I digress, apologies.
When I joined my band, I joined as a keyboardist and backup singer. In fact, I didn't even want to join at first. Really it was because I seriously had nothing better to do. I had just broken up with my boyfriend in the airforce and I was sick of school. Also I thought the lead singer in the band was really fucking hot, which was probably the main motivator for me at the time (but that's another story which I may or may not share at a later time). I did think the music was pretty awesome, but it took a lot for me to get amped about singing backup, because I was a snotty little nineteen-year-old vocal performance major (well, almost) who wanted the spotlight. Plus I never thought I was very good at the piano. I took nine years of lessons but never practiced. Thanks though Mom, you're still the best.
Well, as it turns out, when you do something a lot, you get better at it. The more I played my band's songs, the more I loved them, and the better I got at coming up with cool harmonies as a backup vocalist. People told me on a regular basis that I should be singing lead, but I knew I had to wait my turn. I eventually threw myself into this project, so much that I completely built my life up around it for the next few years. Some will argue that doing so has absolutely fucked me over, while others secretly believe that it has fucked me over but still do me the courtesy of telling me that I should continue to shoot for the moon. Okay, in fairness I do have a few awesome friends who truly do believe in me and the guys I play music with. Even my boyfriend started coming around on that one once I finally brought my 42" Sony Bravia over to his place. Sidenote: my boyfriend is not an asshole, he's a wonderful human being, really. Unfortunately some aspects of my being a part of my band, in addition to the fact that sometimes I'm a shithead, have fucked him over in many ways as well, so I do have to sympathize with him (I won't get into this now, but trust me when I say that man is a fucking trooper).
Okay, so I didn't realize that "waiting my turn" meant four and a half years. That's a little shitty. But fuck it, I'm here now. We recorded a double album, about of third of which I sing lead vocals on. I'm earning my place as a songwriter. We're working with new people, and we're playing at SXSW in March. So I will see at least a little bit of Austin, and maybe more later. It all feels good. Good enough that sometimes I even forget that the next time I go somewhere, I'm going to be wiping snow off of my boots when I get to my destination. And I fucking hate snow.
This entry may have been a little anticlimactic. But I'll tell you what, it's 2:30 in the morning, and at this point I don't really give two shits. But thank you for reading. You're a love, whoever you are.
