I've realized lately that one can easily compare just about any of life's problem's to dust. It's detrimental to a person's health, you try to clean it up so that guests don't see it in your home, and much of the time, it is created by one's self and the things they surround their self with.
There is no escaping dust. It's everywhere (it's dust, dude). Even when you find a way to get rid of it, say, by vacuuming or spraying and wiping, more of it is constantly being created.
HOWEVER...
if you don't clean it up every once in a while, it will only accumulate, and will only affect you more. Your health will continue to deteriorate, and eventually, if someone steps into your world, it becomes obvious that you aren't doing anything to help yourself. One swipe of a finger on that bookshelf will show that guest just how little you care to fix the issue. Once in a while you will find that kind soul who wants to help, and will clean everything up for you.
Now here is where it gets tricky. Dust can hide in all sorts of places, say, under that great big entertainment center in your house. It's a fabulous entertainment center, and it really impresses your friends, including your new housekeeper and good friend Pepita (before anyone starts getting worked up about stereotypes, please know that Pepita in this case is from Denver. She just moved here and cleans a few houses for a reasonable rate when she's not studying nursing at Concordia University). You can't ignore the mess under the TV forever, and poor Pepita has been cleaning your house all day and she needs some help lifting that big fucker so that the floor underneath can be swept and you don't have to worry about that nasty stuff affecting your sinuses anymore. You can either lend a hand and help her help you, or you can tell her to do her job and finish cleaning YOUR house on her own, since that's what you're paying her seven fifty an hour to do anyway.
Or, I suppose, the last option, which is the metaphor I usually wind up applying in my own life, is to tell her "Oh, I don't really care if that gets cleaned under. Eventually I'll move and that won't be my problem anymore." Apparently I want allergies for the rest of my life. Sweet.
I guess what I'm getting at is another thing I'm learning from life: You will always have friends who want to help you, and that is wonderful, but you can't expect them to do everything for you. I have a tendency to be a whiny brat about my personal life and expect a solution to fall into my lap whenever someone shows in interest in what is going on with me. It's a nasty trait, and I'm working on it. I actually had a friend actively sit down with me and try to help me figure out, on paper even, what my goals and wants are in life. What a good friend, right? And I've really not done all that much about it. Until I do, the dust pile continues to grow, and I will be a sneezy little V.
There be my two cents on people such as myself who have trouble working their own shit out. Some friends are really great and will keep doing these things for you over and over, but sooner or later Pepita's going to throw her back out, and you're either going to have to lift that entertainment center on your own, or find a new housekeeper who doesn't have important shit to do, like studying for their nursing exams on Monday, and how the fuck are they supposed to sit through five hours with a back like that and expect to do well?
If this became a little nonsensical, it's the sleep deprivation, and the lack of a desire to go back and make changes to anything. But hopefully someone gets what I'm saying.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
life's a real pain in the ass but at least I'm learning some shit.
Okay, this year is already definitely looking up. Despite all the drama I always bring upon myself, my survival instincts are kicking in. I spent a chunk of later last year feeling like my world was crumbling around me, like I had no control over anything that was happening to me. I am finally starting to learn a few lessons that 2010 was trying to teach me.
1. EVERYONE has control. No one is holding a gun to my head, telling me to live my life a certain way. I can do what I want, when I want. Sometimes it's okay to be a little selfish (and when I say sometimes, I really mean SOMETIMES. See my New Year's resolutions in the last blog). I am still trying to get better at handling the responsibility of this control, but I am definitely getting there. It really comes down to not being lazy, and not being afraid.
2. Sometimes people disappear from your life. It doesn't mean they're a bad person, or that you are, it just means shit changes. Life happens. Friends will come and go. I thought I had learned this earlier on, but I only used that knowledge towards people who were "just friends." People you've loved are different, and it's much, much harder. Definitely the hardest of things I've learned.
....which brings me to:
3. If you chose to leave something behind at one point in time, it was probably for good reason. Just because you miss it, or start feeling like maybe whatever it was was a good idea after all, does not mean it's a good idea to go back to it (unless you left it behind with the complete intention of going back later on, ie, school or something). This goes for jobs, relationships, friendships, living situations.... pretty much everything in life. Just think really hard before giving something a second chance. There was probably a reason you walked away the first time around.
There are a number of things I would like to see happen in 2011. Some are feasible, some aren't.
1. I would love to move to Austin this year. This is going to depend on what happens with my band, and where I am in my relationship, but it is still my dream city. I'll be visiting Austin in March when my band plays at SXSW, and I'm sure that when I get back I'll have the usual "rarin' to go" feeling that I always get when I return to this snowy hellhole.
2. About nine or ten months ago I cut off ties with a guy whom I dated on and off for about two years. He put up with a lot of bullshit from me, and really deserved more of an explanation for why I suddenly stopped speaking to him. The truth was, I couldn't handle communicating with him anymore. He was a good person, but the relationship was not right, and every time I saw him, something would click inside my brain that made me always think, "Maybe if we hook up again it will go differently." He fought hard for me, even when I tried to pull away, and I usually would come back. Eventually I stopped responding to his texts and emails because I needed to close the door on that chapter in my life. I have long since gotten over it, but I still feel guilty for all the crap I put him through. I don't know if it would be a good idea or not, but I would like to apologize to him someday, and hopefully see that he is doing well now. I wouldn't be out to open a new can of worms; I am stronger now than I was at that point and know better. I just want to apologize is all.
3. While I am happy with the process my band has made in the last several months, there are some pretty difficult issues between me and one other member. I want that to go away, one way or another. Not the other person, just the issues at hand. Being the drama generator that I am, I've made a lovely little mess for myself. It's extra unfortunate because this person also happens to have been my best friend for years. The bitterness that has grown between us sucks pretty hard, and I miss that friendship pretty badly. Normally I'd say this would be just a good time to walk away from the situation, but seeing as our careers are both involved, it's a little tricky.
4. I WILL quit smoking. This month. Seriously this time.
Anyway, those are my thoughts on 2010/2011.
I'm moving. I'm pretty psyched about it too. I'll be living with the awesome chick who does my tattoos, in a giant apartment with my own bathroom. I look forward to having a ton of personal space while still having the company of a roommate. I'm also thinking about getting a puppy in the spring. I think that'd be pretty great. I feel like having a companion-like pet would be very therapeutic for me.
Had a stay-in six-month anniversary celebration with the boy yesterday. Wine, football, talk, and SNL. Oh yes, that's another hope for this year: appreciate sports more, and video games. If I can get those two things down I'm pretty sure he and I will be solid. I'm making process. So far I'm able to nod and agree that "Yes, that was an excellent pass." See, I'm on a roll.
1. EVERYONE has control. No one is holding a gun to my head, telling me to live my life a certain way. I can do what I want, when I want. Sometimes it's okay to be a little selfish (and when I say sometimes, I really mean SOMETIMES. See my New Year's resolutions in the last blog). I am still trying to get better at handling the responsibility of this control, but I am definitely getting there. It really comes down to not being lazy, and not being afraid.
2. Sometimes people disappear from your life. It doesn't mean they're a bad person, or that you are, it just means shit changes. Life happens. Friends will come and go. I thought I had learned this earlier on, but I only used that knowledge towards people who were "just friends." People you've loved are different, and it's much, much harder. Definitely the hardest of things I've learned.
....which brings me to:
3. If you chose to leave something behind at one point in time, it was probably for good reason. Just because you miss it, or start feeling like maybe whatever it was was a good idea after all, does not mean it's a good idea to go back to it (unless you left it behind with the complete intention of going back later on, ie, school or something). This goes for jobs, relationships, friendships, living situations.... pretty much everything in life. Just think really hard before giving something a second chance. There was probably a reason you walked away the first time around.
There are a number of things I would like to see happen in 2011. Some are feasible, some aren't.
1. I would love to move to Austin this year. This is going to depend on what happens with my band, and where I am in my relationship, but it is still my dream city. I'll be visiting Austin in March when my band plays at SXSW, and I'm sure that when I get back I'll have the usual "rarin' to go" feeling that I always get when I return to this snowy hellhole.
2. About nine or ten months ago I cut off ties with a guy whom I dated on and off for about two years. He put up with a lot of bullshit from me, and really deserved more of an explanation for why I suddenly stopped speaking to him. The truth was, I couldn't handle communicating with him anymore. He was a good person, but the relationship was not right, and every time I saw him, something would click inside my brain that made me always think, "Maybe if we hook up again it will go differently." He fought hard for me, even when I tried to pull away, and I usually would come back. Eventually I stopped responding to his texts and emails because I needed to close the door on that chapter in my life. I have long since gotten over it, but I still feel guilty for all the crap I put him through. I don't know if it would be a good idea or not, but I would like to apologize to him someday, and hopefully see that he is doing well now. I wouldn't be out to open a new can of worms; I am stronger now than I was at that point and know better. I just want to apologize is all.
3. While I am happy with the process my band has made in the last several months, there are some pretty difficult issues between me and one other member. I want that to go away, one way or another. Not the other person, just the issues at hand. Being the drama generator that I am, I've made a lovely little mess for myself. It's extra unfortunate because this person also happens to have been my best friend for years. The bitterness that has grown between us sucks pretty hard, and I miss that friendship pretty badly. Normally I'd say this would be just a good time to walk away from the situation, but seeing as our careers are both involved, it's a little tricky.
4. I WILL quit smoking. This month. Seriously this time.
Anyway, those are my thoughts on 2010/2011.
I'm moving. I'm pretty psyched about it too. I'll be living with the awesome chick who does my tattoos, in a giant apartment with my own bathroom. I look forward to having a ton of personal space while still having the company of a roommate. I'm also thinking about getting a puppy in the spring. I think that'd be pretty great. I feel like having a companion-like pet would be very therapeutic for me.
Had a stay-in six-month anniversary celebration with the boy yesterday. Wine, football, talk, and SNL. Oh yes, that's another hope for this year: appreciate sports more, and video games. If I can get those two things down I'm pretty sure he and I will be solid. I'm making process. So far I'm able to nod and agree that "Yes, that was an excellent pass." See, I'm on a roll.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
should auld acquaintance be forgot?
So I'm drinking beer at 2:15, at my place of work. My friend/boss just now delivered two cookies on a little plate for me because he thought I seemed down. I have good friends.
I won't lie, I am fucking confused as shit, and I don't know what to do with myself anymore. My close friends will all tell me "Your problem is that you don't know how to make a decision and stick with it." Okay, the problem has been identified, so now what? Do I now just stick with decisions even after I start feeling like I made the wrong one? Here's my usual progression:
Dilemma is presented.
I make choice.
I am happy, or at the very least content, for a day, maybe a couple of days.
Feelings of doubt, discomfort, "what ifs" begin to resonate all the way through me.
I struggle internally for about a week, maybe more.
Progression repeats itself.
This wouldn't be such a big deal if I were the only one being affected by this crap, in fact, were that the case I probably wouldn't have such a shitty time with this. I was recently essentially told what an awful person I am. That I can get away with all I get away with because I'm an attractive person. While part of me wants to be snarky and say "Thank you, that is nice that you think I am attractive," I know that it's totally valid, even if they were only saying it because they were upset.
These are my 2011 resolutions:
Quit smoking
Be less selfish
Stop bullshitting people including myself
I think if I can do all of these things, then not only will the people around me be happier, but I'll be more satisfied with myself. (Well, yeah, duh, I guess I'm just saying that). I think I also need to learned to be less afraid of people other than myself getting hurt by my actions. Even though that sounds incredibly selfish, sometimes there is no way around that when one has shit to get done.
Wouldn't it be so great if we were all just run by computers, and were programmed to get through life exactly as we should starting at birth? Age 2, initiate walking. Age 18, decide against buying pack of Lucky Strikes. Age 24, emotions shutting down, activate logic.
Ugh. This is depressing. I'm gonna go smoke. I hope I actually follow through with this year's resolutions. Last year I think it was to kill myself if I still lived here by the winter of 2010.
I won't lie, I am fucking confused as shit, and I don't know what to do with myself anymore. My close friends will all tell me "Your problem is that you don't know how to make a decision and stick with it." Okay, the problem has been identified, so now what? Do I now just stick with decisions even after I start feeling like I made the wrong one? Here's my usual progression:
Dilemma is presented.
I make choice.
I am happy, or at the very least content, for a day, maybe a couple of days.
Feelings of doubt, discomfort, "what ifs" begin to resonate all the way through me.
I struggle internally for about a week, maybe more.
Progression repeats itself.
This wouldn't be such a big deal if I were the only one being affected by this crap, in fact, were that the case I probably wouldn't have such a shitty time with this. I was recently essentially told what an awful person I am. That I can get away with all I get away with because I'm an attractive person. While part of me wants to be snarky and say "Thank you, that is nice that you think I am attractive," I know that it's totally valid, even if they were only saying it because they were upset.
These are my 2011 resolutions:
Quit smoking
Be less selfish
Stop bullshitting people including myself
I think if I can do all of these things, then not only will the people around me be happier, but I'll be more satisfied with myself. (Well, yeah, duh, I guess I'm just saying that). I think I also need to learned to be less afraid of people other than myself getting hurt by my actions. Even though that sounds incredibly selfish, sometimes there is no way around that when one has shit to get done.
Wouldn't it be so great if we were all just run by computers, and were programmed to get through life exactly as we should starting at birth? Age 2, initiate walking. Age 18, decide against buying pack of Lucky Strikes. Age 24, emotions shutting down, activate logic.
Ugh. This is depressing. I'm gonna go smoke. I hope I actually follow through with this year's resolutions. Last year I think it was to kill myself if I still lived here by the winter of 2010.
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