Okay, this year is already definitely looking up. Despite all the drama I always bring upon myself, my survival instincts are kicking in. I spent a chunk of later last year feeling like my world was crumbling around me, like I had no control over anything that was happening to me. I am finally starting to learn a few lessons that 2010 was trying to teach me.
1. EVERYONE has control. No one is holding a gun to my head, telling me to live my life a certain way. I can do what I want, when I want. Sometimes it's okay to be a little selfish (and when I say sometimes, I really mean SOMETIMES. See my New Year's resolutions in the last blog). I am still trying to get better at handling the responsibility of this control, but I am definitely getting there. It really comes down to not being lazy, and not being afraid.
2. Sometimes people disappear from your life. It doesn't mean they're a bad person, or that you are, it just means shit changes. Life happens. Friends will come and go. I thought I had learned this earlier on, but I only used that knowledge towards people who were "just friends." People you've loved are different, and it's much, much harder. Definitely the hardest of things I've learned.
....which brings me to:
3. If you chose to leave something behind at one point in time, it was probably for good reason. Just because you miss it, or start feeling like maybe whatever it was was a good idea after all, does not mean it's a good idea to go back to it (unless you left it behind with the complete intention of going back later on, ie, school or something). This goes for jobs, relationships, friendships, living situations.... pretty much everything in life. Just think really hard before giving something a second chance. There was probably a reason you walked away the first time around.
There are a number of things I would like to see happen in 2011. Some are feasible, some aren't.
1. I would love to move to Austin this year. This is going to depend on what happens with my band, and where I am in my relationship, but it is still my dream city. I'll be visiting Austin in March when my band plays at SXSW, and I'm sure that when I get back I'll have the usual "rarin' to go" feeling that I always get when I return to this snowy hellhole.
2. About nine or ten months ago I cut off ties with a guy whom I dated on and off for about two years. He put up with a lot of bullshit from me, and really deserved more of an explanation for why I suddenly stopped speaking to him. The truth was, I couldn't handle communicating with him anymore. He was a good person, but the relationship was not right, and every time I saw him, something would click inside my brain that made me always think, "Maybe if we hook up again it will go differently." He fought hard for me, even when I tried to pull away, and I usually would come back. Eventually I stopped responding to his texts and emails because I needed to close the door on that chapter in my life. I have long since gotten over it, but I still feel guilty for all the crap I put him through. I don't know if it would be a good idea or not, but I would like to apologize to him someday, and hopefully see that he is doing well now. I wouldn't be out to open a new can of worms; I am stronger now than I was at that point and know better. I just want to apologize is all.
3. While I am happy with the process my band has made in the last several months, there are some pretty difficult issues between me and one other member. I want that to go away, one way or another. Not the other person, just the issues at hand. Being the drama generator that I am, I've made a lovely little mess for myself. It's extra unfortunate because this person also happens to have been my best friend for years. The bitterness that has grown between us sucks pretty hard, and I miss that friendship pretty badly. Normally I'd say this would be just a good time to walk away from the situation, but seeing as our careers are both involved, it's a little tricky.
4. I WILL quit smoking. This month. Seriously this time.
Anyway, those are my thoughts on 2010/2011.
I'm moving. I'm pretty psyched about it too. I'll be living with the awesome chick who does my tattoos, in a giant apartment with my own bathroom. I look forward to having a ton of personal space while still having the company of a roommate. I'm also thinking about getting a puppy in the spring. I think that'd be pretty great. I feel like having a companion-like pet would be very therapeutic for me.
Had a stay-in six-month anniversary celebration with the boy yesterday. Wine, football, talk, and SNL. Oh yes, that's another hope for this year: appreciate sports more, and video games. If I can get those two things down I'm pretty sure he and I will be solid. I'm making process. So far I'm able to nod and agree that "Yes, that was an excellent pass." See, I'm on a roll.
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